


Allow him

by Kufufufu117



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Mentioned Sexual Content, mentioned cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24673732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kufufufu117/pseuds/Kufufufu117
Summary: Akaashi Keiji did his best to be enough
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	Allow him

**Author's Note:**

> As if there aren’t enough angst for Akaashi. ANY WAYSSSS THIS WAS inspired by Nero-san’s art that I saw on Twitter but I have no idea how to link it sooo please enjoy!!

_ “I’m sorry Akaashi.” _

  
  
  


_ “I loved you. I really did but—” _

  
  
  


_ “Goodbye Akaashi.” _

  
  
  


Akaashi woke up with tears streaming down his face. It’s been months since he had last seen Bokuto and yet the memory of him leaving was still vivid in his dreams. The words the male uttered echoes in his mind like a mantra and it hurts. It hurts to watch the years they spent building up together shatter because of a stupid mistake. 

Akaashi sat on his bed wiping the tears that had spilled out of his tired eyes. Every night for the past six months he’s been waking up to the same nightmare of a reality called Bokuto, and curses himself for allowing the man destroy his peaceful nights— not that his night we’re peaceful when they were together— of sleep.

He stood up from his bed and walked towards the bathroom. He opened the small cabinet above the sink and took three sleeping pills out. He didn’t have work or anything tomorrow so sleeping in was no problem. 

Sometimes it worries him that he was relying too much on pills and alcohol to make him fall asleep. It just wasn’t like him to lose composure over something so trivial like love. 

  
  


Tsukishima would probably laugh at him if he saw him in this state. The blonde was his closest friend even after high school ended. 

The blonde was the first person he ran to after the night Bokuto left him. And he boarded the last shinkansen to Miyagi that night in April. He remembers knocking on the door of the Kuroo household, and he remembers how Tetsurou and Kei looked at him with shock on their faces.

_ “Akaashi-san what happened to you?” The blonde asked, letting the soaked man in. The forecasters announced there was going to be a storm that day but he didn’t care. He just wanted to leave Tokyo. He didn’t need to be in the place that only brought painful memories back. _

_ “Akaashi-san, why are you here? It’s past 9. Did you ride the last shinkansen here? Did something happen? Akaashi—.” _

_ “Koutar— Bokuto-san left me….” _

_ Akaashi didn’t need to look at the couple infront of him to know that they were pitying him, because even he pitied himself with how he looked. He was soaked and he was wearing nothing but sweatshirt and jeans. _

_ “Bokuto/-san left you? Why?” The couple asked in unison. Tetsurou’s voice was filled with anger and Kei was filled with concern. _

  
  


_ Akaashi took a deep breath as more tears ran down his face. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t even know the real reason why Bokuto left him. He just said they were done.  _

_ “I- I don’t know. He just called me and told me it was over.” Akaashi said in between sobs.  _

_ “T-then before the call ended I heard someone call him. Someone named Omi…” Akaashi continued his tears still flowing out. _

_ “Omi? Sakusa Kiyoomi? MSBY’s outside hitter?” Tsukishima asked. “I don’t know. didn’t hear properly. Maybe.” Akaashi replied.  _

_ He was lying though. Of course Akaashi knew who ‘Omi’ was. It was the nickname Bokuto used whenever he told him stories about their team practices and matches.  _

_ Sakusa Kiyoomi. He remembered the guy. He remembered the glare he got every time he would meet Bokuto outside the gym. He remembered the burning stares he would get every time Bokuto kissed him. And he remembered the purples and blues that painted Sakusa’s neck the day Bokuto began distancing himself. _

_ Akaashi should’ve known. He should’ve asked. He should’ve made himself known but he was too scared to ruin the already perfect relationship they had. And now he was too late. _

  
  


_ “Now that Kei mentioned it I saw them last week when I dropped by at Kenma’s. That Sakusa guy was acting clingy towards Bokuto.” Tetsurou said followed by an angry click of his tongue. _

  
  


_ That was enough to break him into pieces, enough to shatter his remaining hope that Bokuto. But no he won’t believe until he sees and hears it on his own. _

  
  


_ After that night of tears in the Kuroo household he went back to Tokyo. And as soon as he got out of the shinkansen everything shattered. The last of his last hope went down the drain as he saw Bokuto walking hand in hand with Sakusa Kiyoomi and the couple stared at him with a mixture of emotions. _

_ Bokuto looked shocked, scared and confused. Like he wanted to explain himself but couldn’t make out the words. Then there was Sakusa. The smug look in his eyes was telling him that he has lost the game. And even with a mask covering half of his he could visualise the growing smirk on the man’s face. _

_ Bokuto was the first to look away, pulling Sakusa with him but failing so. Instead he said he was going to the nearest toilet and told Sakusa to meet him outside the station to which the latter agreed. _

_ “Akaashi Keiji-kun. Right?” Sakusa spoke his voice was low and intimidating that Akaashi shuddered when he heard him speak. _

_ “You know you’re pretty and all but maybe… just maybe you weren’t good enough.” Sakusa taunted.  _

_ It ignited a fire of anger within Akaashi because he knew that it was a lie. Because he was Akaashi Keiji and everything he did for Bokuto was nothing but understand him. He took care of all of Bokuto’s mood swing, took care of him when he was sick or injured. He did his everything to be the best.  _

_ He did everything to be enough for Bokuto but in the end even his best wasn’t good enough for the man he loved. _

_ “That’s not true. I did everything for him. I loved him for six years! I took care of him, I loved him and I did my best to understand every mood swing he threw! I did everything to be enough!” Akaashi shouted. He didn’t care if it gathered people’s attention. He didn’t care if he looked pathetic. He didn’t care about anything because he was angry and the person infront of him was spouting lies that he will never accept. _

  
  


_ “Oh is that so. Then A+ for trying because no matter how well you do in other aspects maybe you’re failing in the one thing he needs the most. Or he just got tired of waiting.”  _

_ Akaashi was confused. How could he fail at something when he was already doing his best in everything. Just as he was about to ask Sakusa spoke his last words before he met up with Akaashi’s ex lover. _

_ “Maybe you weren’t good in bed that’s why he left you for me. Oh that’s right you never did allow him to touch you.”  _

_ With those last words Akaashi’s entire world stopped. Was that all Bokuto wanted? Was is because he didn’t want to have sex until they were married? Was it because he held Bokuto back that he looked for someone else? Was he really ever enough for the man? _

He shook his head to get rid of the memories that continued to haunt him. He then swallowed the pills dry as he wiped his tears for the nth time that night. He got out of his bathroom and went back to bed.

He stared up his ceiling waiting for the medicine to kick in. It has been exactly one year since Bokuto left him and Sakusa’s words still haunt him to this very day.

  
  
  


_ “You never did allow him to touch you.” _

  
  
  


It echoed continuously only to be dimmed by the effect of the sleeping pills. Maybe if he gave himself up to Bokuto they would still be together. And he wouldn’t have to suffer from the pain of being heartbroken. 

Maybe if he allowed Bokuto to undress him and kiss him inside his dimly lit room, instead of just spooning and sleeping, maybe he’d still have the man he lives beside him.

Another tear slipped as Akaashi’s eyes fell close and everything went black. It was time for him to sleep in peace. At least for the time being it was quiet and nothing bothered him.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KUDOS AND COMMENTS!!! I luv u all!!


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